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chapter one
woodland fairy andy was sitting in the cab of his big orange chevy pick-up truck, tunes blasting and nothing but blue sky in the distance. bolted into the long bed of the truck was his arctic cat atv which was positioned on its side to accommodate a helicopter conversion. he controlled the heli/atv contraption via radio control, which was hooked to the truck's on board GPS system. the expression on his face was that of relief and fatigue. in his mind he was wondering if jon stone and big dano could pull off the truck heist, and if they could make it all the way to oregon without fucking it up. the GPS said he had an hour until touchdown so he reclined the seat, closed his eyes and went to sleep. meanwhile in oregon the jeepinator, tard shreve had a visitor. for the last few days tard and his imaginary brother reeph had been trying to ride on two wheels with their own ATVs. it was really getting crazy and at one point tard went right over the handlebar and hit the ground hard, the wayward machine missing him by mere inches. his head hit the ground and he awoke to the sounds of maniacal laughter, after a moment he opened his eyes and saw sherman rolling on the ground holding his stomach. "what the fuck is WRONG with you?" asked tard. sherman calmed down and stood up, as he did so he changed from a young child into a giant beast: it was indeed the devil himself. "so these are the shreve brothers, heh? well i'm sending someone to help you with the california invasion, maybe he can help you out with your ATV skills too, HAHA! you know your mission do you not?" this was a horrible beast and tard sat amazed, nodding his head. in the midst of his fear he realized that he had some questions for ol' beelzebub, so tard asked away. next was discussion through an endless night, eventually into morning. soon the plan was very clear to the shreve brothers and finally they were interrupted by a loud buzzing sound from the woods. bo heims emerged from the woods on two wheels, his ATV wide open, dead squirrels tied to the racks, and came to a halt in front of jeepinator. "hey jeep, i'm here to help, the fucking militia will be complete!" the devil turned into sherman again and then he was gone. "okay," bo said, "i am here to set a trap for the panndder, we need to build up the compound and make a weak point in the fence. being the lazy son of a bitch that he is he'll just go for the most direct route, but it won't be too direct i assure you! in order to catch pandy you must think like pandy. i don't think i can do that, but i figure he's a calculating little shit anyway and that'll do." soon andy arrived confused and in a state of disrepair, he greeted his friends warmly. the heli/truck was parked in tard's badminton court, the net crushed and bent. bo's plan seemed almost too simple to andy but he kept it to himself, there would be a time to take charge he decided. shortly they built a fence around the property and secured the attack plan. andy prepared to install the guns and set the sights while jeepinator built and programmed the robots to destroy the many incarnations of the panndder. bo electrified the fence around the compound and designed the traps. "now we are just waiting on the guns, i hope those fucks pulled it off," andy said dryly. just then a large circuit city panel van came rushing down the dusty drive. chapter two hocus pocus I as the truck rolled over the narrow dirt road leading to the shreve compound in lapine, oregon; jon stone was shaken from a dream, it was a visit from the devil with a rock n’ roll soundtrack. jon stone was walking slowly along his normal route to work across campus, past the young girls in tight shirts lounging in the warm sun, and when he got to his building it was somehow different. upon further inspection he noticed that the lobby was gone and when he entered the foyer realized it was cold. all at once he recognized the familiar smell, a hockey rink, “ in my building?” he thought about it and moved on. he came to a door through the boards which lead on to the ice, there was nowhere else to go but through it or back outside. half of the rink was lit by overhead lights and the other half looked as though it was shrouded in a black cloak, evenly spread out along the red line (the middle line in hockey which marks the halfway point). jon stone hit the ice and was suddenly on skates and skating toward the other half of the ice, the dark half. it was as though someone else were in control of his body, for he had never even been on skates before. as he glided closer to the red line he could hear a deep rumbling sound, it was getting simultaneously louder and closer! when he hit the darkness all senses were lost for a moment, and then two yellowish lights blinded him. when his eyes corrected he could see a large machine running full tilt boogey straight for him. he could see the driver’s eyes glowing red and it became apparent to him just then that this was a zamboni, and whoever was driving was after him. his body stopped in a hissing spray of ice and the zamboni hit the brakes and slid to a stop just in front of him. when jon stone looked into the driver’s eyes he saw the devil, but this looked like a man, “who are you and how the hell am i skating at work?” he asked the man in the high seat. the man climbed down and introduced himself as jack and then began laughing hysterically. jon stone was beginning to feel anger yet he couldn’t move on the skates and then jack punched him square in the nose. jon stone’s eyes filled with bright red light and searing pain; then the devil's face appeared in the red light. it was a disgusting image and if his eyes weren’t already closed he definitely would have done so immediately. the face kept fading in and out like a bad television signal, to be replaced by that of a young boy. “SILENCE!” a voice screamed in jon stone’s ears, “you will see the jeepinator and the pander unite against you, and andy will follow suit. Maybe you are the ones being baited by the honey pot… maybe, HAHAHA!” the laughter was sherman’s and then the face belonged to jack. “get up you pansy,” he said and pulled jon stone up and punched him again. this time he woke up in lapine, oregon, heading towards the honey pot. II dano had the truck’s accelerator pegged to the floor boards and almost lost control when jon stone awoke with a start. “holy fuck man, you OK? shit we almost did a little box truck off roading, houndog would’ve been proud! ah here it is, the fucking shreve compound, i wonder if that faggot andy is around?” just then andy came into view, he had a large bullet belt wraped around his torso with camouflage paint on his face and arms. “dude, he looks like arnold schwartzenegger in the movie commando,” said jon stone laughing. when the truck stopped and the two agents of FFH got out they were looking at bo heims, andy and richard irving, and the shreve brothers. dano opened the back of the truck and revealed its contents, plenty of guns and even more ammo. “all of this for just one little panndder?” asked the jeepinator gingerly. a day later they would be completely out of ammunition. if you asked each one of them individually, they would probably have had differing versions of how it all started, but not more than an hour later they were all hiding out in the secret last resort emergency bunker while all hell broke loose on the surface. so for now they all agreed, the devil was first on the scene and was far stronger than conventional weapons. they were fighting entirely by remote control while an infinite number of satan’s servants marched toward the compound. several of bo’s traps worked and then were overrun by the multitude of zombie vampires bearing down, they had no choice but to retreat underground. “i have an idea, it is a long shot but it just might work,” said jeepinator as he cranked the telephone that was strapped to reeph’s back-pack. “whiskey x-ray bravo, this is the jeepinator lookin’ down the barrel of a gun, son of a gun, son of a bitch, getting paid, getting rich, over. whiskey x-ray bravo, ben ross got yer ears on good buddy?” tard shreve’s voice was calm and clear. “whiskey x-ray bravo…” this went on for hours until andy came out of the gun control center swearing they were fucked unless they came up with something, servants of satan were breeching the interior compound. the red-alert siren began to wail and just then jeepinator got an answer on the telephone. “jon stone and dano, come here,” jeepinator said quickly, “you two ride the elevator to the top and wait for ben ross to arrive, he has something up his sleeve but he’ll have to retreat back here once he is finished. you guys’ll have to cover his entrance with the big guns and clear a path for him to enter, then get back underground, got it?” dano and jon ran to the elevator as jeepinator quickly turned to bo heims, “bo, take over for andy at the attack center, be sure to conserve bullets.” andy looked tired as he said to tard shreve, “we are out of bullets man, may as well be anyway. i hope your plan works.” in the elevator dano was a little upset, “what the fuck dude, why are we going up top to risk our asses, fuck this shit man.” jon stone was not amused either, he was shaking his head when they stopped in the small steel shack which contained the elevator at ground level. there was a control panel with a large monitor in the wall so they could see the chaos outside in digital clarity. next to the keyboard were the gun consoles which controlled two robotic tank cannons which were situated on turrets above the elevator shack. dano and jon each took a console and waited for the word from below. while they waited they watched in horror as vampires and the living dead forced their way into the inner sanctum of the compound, soon they would be attempting to rip down the elevator shack and get into the bunker. “okay guys,” squacked andy’s voice from the intercom, “he’s coming from the south get ready…” chapter three pandy’s return when the blasting began a stream of blood covered the camera and the view from inside the elevator shack was shrouded in red. appendages were flying across the screen, the steady BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM of the cannons above and the rhythmic sound of screaching projectiles ripping through the undead were all he could take. dano suddenly realized that he was screaming. then he heard sweet sounding chimes and was overcome with the smell of oranges. a calm came over jon stone and big dano, they both looked into the monitor with disbelieving eyes, tears slowly falling down their faces. ben ross was floating above the southern entrance to the compound with what looked like a large fraternity ass-paddle in his hand. swiping it from side to side, the sound of the wind passing through louvers in the paddle were making music, sweet sweet music. for a moment dano looked into ben ross’s face and realized that he was saying something, his lips were forming words, “open the door you idiots.” jon stone leapt to his feet and hit the door button on the console, just then ben ross floated inside while throwing the fraternity paddle back into the crowd of undead vampires. “CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR YOU IDIOT!” he screeched to dano just as the door began to close. the explosion that followed knocked every person within a thirty mile radius unconscious instantly. jon stone opened his eyes and saw ben ross lying next to him transfixed by what he saw on the blood spattered monitor. the explosion of light turned the earth into what looked like molten lava and the servants of satan were being absorbed into the earth below. it was ben ross who spoke first, “send the cocksuckers back to hell," turning to jon stone, "praise jesus all you fucken sinners!” the sweet music was louder now and so, as quickly as they had come, the undead vampire faction was gone. “what the fuck was that thing there ben, that wand you were swinging?” asked dano finally. “it was the rod or the staff... of light or something, i can’t remember which, either way quit coveting my ass.” the entire FFH crew got their first glimpse of daylight and then were overcome with the sound of babies crying. all around them were scorched pine trees and the bright summer sun, the crying was getting closer. “I think we pissed him off this time…” said ben ross quietly. the dry earth began to rumble and in the cerulean horizon a huge red cloud of dust was approaching at an impossible speed. little patrick didn’t really have much to say, his outfit said it all. he wore a fishnet shirt with sergio vilente designer jeans painted on his broomstick legs, his chrome guitar was slung low. “i told the sun of a bitch not to listen to sherman, shit the vampires seem a little grandiose don’t cha think?” he nodded and looked at jon stone, “yeah, I thought so too.” just at that moment bo heims lunged at patrick with his bayonet, cutting the chord to the guitar. the baby-crying stopped and panndder screamed like a little girl as andy attacked him head on. rolling on the ground panndder began to fade away like a bad television signal and then instantly both he and andy disappeared. chapter four digitization station and the reality over internet proticol I "where the fuck did they go?" asked bo heims. "i have an idea," said jeepinator as he turned and ran back to the bunker. after a few moments he returned with a plan. after a few hours of work they would be connected to the internet again, which meant they could go to ffh for help. jeepinator also had a theory as to how pandder was travelling. holding up a bowlingball sized box he asked the crew, "do any of you know what this is?" after a moment he said, "it is a digitization station. i found it in the dumpster at work and it looks as if it just needed new batteries, so i rigged it up just now. who wants to strap on the electrodes and test it out?" jon stone bravely stepped forward and strapped the head band on while jeepinator secured an ankle bracelet to his leg. jeepinator explained that the digitization station essentially allowed someone to access the internet with their mind and body, essentially teleporting them digitally. cranking up the generator jeepinator pushed the button, pulled the chain and jon stone was gone in that familiar television static way. II back in minnesota patrick was packing meat and listrning to hall and oats when he felt a sudden jolt of electricty pass through his i-pod and into his body. the bloody meat slid out of his hands and onto the floor as his mouth went slack and drool fell from his lips. in a moment there was a flash of light, a faint image, and then someone was standing in front of him. "i have come to kick the living shit out of you fuckstick." jon stone was staring feircely at the slack-jawed panndder, fists clenched. then as quickly as jon stone appeared, the docile patrick suddenly became sherman who promptly grabed jon stone by the head, forcing his skull through the running meat grinder. laughing hysterically sherman ran from the building in a maniacle haze. III "aw shit, now where did he go?" asked dano in a worried tone. "hopefully he was sent to panndder, or somewhere close. ok, who's next?" asked jeepinator, brows high. IV as bo heims was straping in to the DS, a low rumble could be heard coming from what seemed like the center of the earth. just as the four of them (jeepinator, bo heims, ben ross, and dano) looked at each other with fatigue, bo screamed out, "hit the button dude!" and jeepinator did just that. suddenly, at the moment bo heims dissapeared, the wall exploded in a cloud of rock, rubble and dust. chapter five the grain in spain rides mainly on the train I when the cloud of rock dust cleared and tard shreve wiped the tears from his burning eyes, he was suddenly blasted into the wall by a powerful jet of steam. sitting in the middle of the bunker was what appeared to be a large steam powered underground mine excavator. a short round man in a train engineer’s outfit, complete with hat, jumped down from the machine and ran over to tard shreve. “you OK?” the man said with a grin as he patted dust off tard’s back, “yeah, sorry i’m late, got sidetracked at the pinball tournament, i’ve got a message from FFH!” tard shreve’s dry throat croaked, “JZ?” “oh yeah, nice to finally meet the jeepinator” JZ thrust his hand out to help him up. “is there anyone else here?” II sherman was running down the street screaming and waving his arms around in the air when he suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. bo heims was suddenly running straight toward sherman, aiming a very large musket and screaming, “DIE PANTARD!” his shot went off and the ball shattered sherman’s left shin bone. suddenly, not only was sherman crying like a little baby, he physically changed into an infant, muttering in a pathetic cry that “he’s going to be very angry with you…” bo stopped in his tracks and grabbed the baby sherman by the head, it’s bloody leg dangling in the cool evening air. in one quick motion bo heims beheaded the creature throwing its head in a nearby dumpster. laughing, he walked slowly back the way he came, wondering how it could have been so easy. it was at that moment that he realized that something was behind him, he could feel its cool breath on his right ear. an explosion of pain swept through his body as baby sherman’s head bit into his ear. bo ripped the baby’s head off his own, taking his ear with it. the ear was stuck in the creature’s teeth as it stared blankly at him, coolly chomping away. bo punted the head into the distance and as he did so the ear chomping baby zombie head turned into the devil, in a haze of television static he then turned into patrick, who was now standing in front of bo heims on a sidewalk in minnesota, his eyes were the color of fire. III it took a while for tard shreve and JZ to find dano. ben ross on the other hand was missing to top half of his body under the excavator. “OK there is only one thing left for us to do, we must hook the digitization station up to JZ's vehicle and hop on for the ride.” tard shreve’s voice was trembling and rough. “by the way JZ, what was your message from FFH?” “word has it that the panndder has an injury and he is extremely pissed off, apparently he is stuck in his adolescent patrick form.” JZ shrugged, “i have no idea what any of that means though.” after a couple hours they managed to get everything put together in order to transport themselves to minnesota and patrick. once they all boarded JZ’s steam powered earth excavator tard shreve pulled the lever and they blinked in and out like a television with bad reception and disappeared. IV bo heims pulled his loaded frontier pistol from its holster and shot. the lead ball struck patrick in the chest and then bounced to the ground. patrick’s eyes began to glow brightly as the lead ball levitated quickly up to patrick’s eye level. with a sly grin he pursed his lips and blew out *poof*. the lead ball shot and struck bo heims in the chest in a red explosion of guts and bone. on his way to the ground bo threw his knife and struck patrick in his left calf muscle. he could hear a baby crying on his way out of this life. chapter six pandy and jack handy the end What the critics are saying... |