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chapter one
flight of the intruder sitting quietly at his desk playing minesweeper, david vanspeedy sat in morbid concentration. half noticing the blooping sound of msn messenger after its third or fourth alert, he clicked and saw andy's message: andy: hey andy: dave, i think i killed pandy with heli maxx. andy: richard helped me. dave: w00t! but alas, andy was offline. dave sat back in his chair wondering what this could mean. did andy really kill someone, and if so was it really pandy? the smile on his face turned from sinister to elated and then back to sinister again. "ding dong, the pandy's dead. holy fuck the dipshit fucktard's dead. he's dead, he's really dead!" he sang and danced around his living room like a liberated munchkinlander. meanwhile at the bunker things were looking worse for andy and richard. after smashing up the entire interior of the bunker, andy's electronic surveillance and security equipment began to malfunction. the drawbridge over the moat would not retract and the electric fence was glowing red with heat, it was only a matter of time before the guns started going off. "we need to work fast," richard said. "michelle is bound to get here any minute looking for you, and she is pissed off at you for missing a month of work." just as the words were falling out of richard's mouth michelle came over the bridge and into the courtyard. in the sky sherman was getting very uncomfortable hanging on to heli maxx, but he was still laughing that maniacle laugh of his into the sky. as the air got warmer he began to feel the heli slowly descend toward earth. "so what the fuck are you up to here andy?" michelle asked, she was quite clearly seeing red. andy began to speak and she cut him off, "you have missed a month of work and no one knows where the fuck you are. have you gone crazy or something?" andy calmly looked at her with complete wonder on his face. at that moment one of his robotic .50 caliber gun turrets ripped michelle in half, her legs and waist forming a fountain of blood until finally collapsing with a lifeless thud. andy hit the deck as a bullet grazed his hip, he crawled around in searing pain, confused and looking for richard. he could hear the plooping of msn messenger coming from inside the bunker, he crawled toward the door. david vanspeedy saw that andy was back online, so he tried to get in contact without luck. lucky however he was at the computer, and not dancing around in the living room, because at that moment he heard a loud crash and screams of pain. when he arrived a moment later patrick stood in his living room dazed and bleeding, a mangled mechanical contraption on fire next to him. "what the fuck..." dave said. "my skylight is not the front door dude." "is this california?" patrick asked? "i've been flying for hours hanging by my arms and now i must confront my enemy. how far is sacramento?" david vanspeedy was suddenly quite perplexed, "it is right next door," he said. chapter two fight to the death or the zombie factor when andy got to the control center in the bunker, only three of the monitors were working and several of them were smashed to bits on the floor. reading dave's messages and seeing the (away) next to his name, andy felt himself begin to lose consciousness. he slid to the floor and closed his eyes. once the warm air hit patrick's face, and the smell of california took hold, he felt as though he were in a dream. his mind was scattered and his memory dim; sherman was nowhere to be found. he walked toward sacramento with purpose, heli-maxx's guns strapped to his chest and covered by one of dave's father's trenchcoats. while his mind was slowly putting together the pieces, his feet were guided by instinct. he could hear the devil's music coming from the north and he wrangled his way toward it. andy heard the alarm stop and felt relief until moments later, it began to broadcast the local classic rock station to the entire neighborhood. he violently jerked awake and checked his messenger to the fiery licks of edward van halen's "eruption." dave: he is coming your way, he smashed me in the teeth with the helicopter blade and craked me in the skull with the flaming carcass of heli maxx... dave: going to sleep now... "shit," andy thought, "he is coming and there is nothing i can do." he pushed the control console to the right, which revealed a stairway leading into darkness. once he was inside he hit a switch and the console returned to its original place. right around the same time patrick was crossing the drawbridge into the courtyard behind andy's house. he came upon michelle's top half crawling its way toward her bottom half, grunting and bitching along the way. "who are you demon?" patrick asked in a stern voice. shocked to realize she could still hear, michelle began crawling toward patrick very quickly on her hands, her bloody torso dragging on the grass. before he could react she somehow jumped up and bit him in the throat, tasting the sweet virgin blood of a living boy. in a panic patrick blasted the back half of the zombie's head off in a single liquid explosion. as the poison crawled through his veins he lay down on the smooth grass, gazing at the california sky, entering dreams of minnesota and hell; the zombie twitchting to its death just a couple feet away. chapter three origins of sherman "if you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. -jack handy patrick lie poisoned on the ground in andy's back yard fading in and out of consciousness. his dreams were sinister and full of memory, memories of his brother sherman; fighting for his life he closed his eyes and drifted into delirium. young patrick was feeling lonely in the middle of the night, so he took the long dark journey into the safe confines of his parent's warm bed. he had been having a nightmare about the devil and the burning depths of hell, screeching melodies filled his ears and confused his mind. he woke up in a cold sweat and strongly felt the need to be next to his mother. as he was quietly walking down the hallway he noticed a light was on in the master bedroom, calmly he knocked twice. after a moment he knocked again, this time a little louder than before. still no answer. he placed his clammy hand on the knob and tried it left and then right, no dice. he pushed lightly and the door creaked open a crack, sending a tiny sliver of light into the hallway. the rolling stones were playing "i got the blues," while patrick's mother and father slow danced in a distracted and rather drunken manner. there were small piles of white powder on the night stand next to the bed and thousands of dollars worth of cash scattered all over the chest-of-drawers. upon closer inspection and a wider sliver of light, patrick could see that the man was not his father at all. as his mother and the stranger made love in the lamplight, patrick crawled into the room and took the man's wallet. within it he found a military identification card and on said card was the picture of big blond surfer dude from california, hardly the clean cut gentleman bedding his mother at the current moment. he pocketed the eleven dollars he found and put the wallet back into the marine's pants. back in his own bed sherman came to him for the first time, mainly because patrick needed someone to talk to about these private matters and someone to remember the name on the card. the name of the man who corrupted his inocent and dear mother, the one who betrayed his family and his father's name. someday they would get their revenge and sherman had a plan. chapter four meanwhile back at the ranch the courtyard behind andy's headquarters was large and luxurious, in a nineteenth century prison yard sort of way. the grass moved with a light breeze across patrick's face, it was becoming apparent to him that he was still alive. "what a trip," he thought to himself as he willed his eyes to open. after a few moments of serious effort he stood up and looked west toward the bunker, the place he was sure to find andy. underground andy and richard ascended a spiral staircase at the end of the tunnel, in a flash of evening sun they were in the eastern guard tower looking right at patrick. it took a moment for andy to disable the robot that was usually responsible for the m60, otherwise no thoughts crossed his mind as he brought a rain of bullets down on patrick. when he heard the grunting and swearing coming from the tower, he ran as fast as he could and dived head first into the bunker door. patrick's head hit the console and sherman suddenly appeared, seated at the control center in a leather throne. "looks like we have a stand off old man and i know just the trick, the oldies station still works i bet!" sherman pressed a button and twisted two wires together, a stevie ray vaughn version of "long black limousine" blasted out of the alarm speakers. the sudden roar of sound not only knocked andy out, it blasted him from the tower. on the ground below he knew it was time to gather the troops, take inventory of the situation. he got to his feet and made his way across the courtyard and through a secret passage way in a hedge at the side of the house. in an instant he was in his garage, a maze of gadgets, gizmos and weaponry. "okay richard, lets get this fucker," he said and they quickly went to work. "okay dipshit, go get him," sherman said to patrick as he ran into the courtyard with his fingers in his ears. dazed and with great wonder he saw that andy was gone. back in the bunker sherman tried to find a way to get past the house's security system, which was proving to be virtually impossible. kicking and swearing at a smashed monitor, it took a moment for patrick to hear the plooping of msn messenger. akhoundog: hey andy akhoundog: u evr get thos ue diff trans gears andy: yes, right in the ass! sherman fell off the leather throne in laughter! you see, he realized just then that the one computer still working in the whole fucking place was andy's personal one; a virtual key to fursphere. chapter five the switch bitch "maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "mankind". basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". what do these words mean ? it's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." -jack handy in the garage andy and richard were back on the coffee and cigarette diet, while building their latest invention. the doorbell rang a few times until they heard it. on a wall mounted monitor andy saw that it was a man dressed in a dark suit, he was alone. andy stood up and went into the house locking the door behind him, went to the intercom and said, "yes?" after a moment a quiet voice cracked in the speaker, "what is that?" andy asked, his ear pressed to the speaker. this time the person screamed into the intercom, "JON, JOHN STONE! i'm here to help!" andy jumped back from the wall and glared at the front door, he figured it was probably the cops. reluctantly he opened the door anyway, revealing a man in a black suit and tie, a pin that read "the jangus" on his lapel. "hello sir," said john stone, "i am from ffh headquarters, i hear you have encountered the pandder. is he here in california?" in the bunker sherman was maxing out andy's credit cards and selling all of his stuff on ebay, the maniacal laugh audable from the garage where richard was quietly working on some sort of flying machine. on ffh fursphere came out of the closet and announced his love for bigdano, which upset psyire very much. laughing wildly and pounding on the keyboard sherman was often interrupted by msn messenger: akhoundog: went 175 on bros trike today akhoundog: felt the fron wheels come off the ground blasted out difs tho had to use silly putty. andy: oh yeah, well i did the goatse with an axe handle today. akhoundog: 
"jeepinator contacted me as soon as he got the emergency signal from the JRS on heli-maxx, i told him i'd come out here and give you a hand, i believe dano's on his way too," john stone said with a wink. "what are your plans, any tricks up your sleeve?" "yes," andy replied, "i'm going to assemble an army in lapine." chapter six rumble fish tallywhacker bigdano turned into andy's driveway and parked his 1982 celeca next to john stone's motorcycle. andy saw a large man wearing a mr. t muscle shirt in the monitor, with jon stone's approval they opened the front door. "gentlemen, andy, i am dano from the ffh, jeepinator sent word and i thought i could help." andy outlined his plan to the two agents, he would take the flying contraption in the garage to lapine, oregon and forewarn tard shreve. meanwhile dano and jon would drive to los angeles and pick up the emergency arsenal, it would involve the hijacking of a ryder truck. eventually they would end up in lapine and the ffh militia would build a honey pot to trap the panndder. in the bunker sherman was totally possessed by the devil, absorbed completely in andy's online persona. the walls and floor were burning and smoke held thickly to the ceiling, exiting in a curling plume from the door. in the garage richard could hear the screams of pain, laughing and the chilling rhythm of rock n' roll. "so where is the panndder now andy?" asked jon stone, his left eyebrow cocked in a suspecting manner. "he may still be out in the yard right? shouldn't we check it out?" andy agreed and brought them to the garage, in a moment they were outside gawking at the burning bunker. "you don't think he's in there do you?" asked dano quietly. andy went inside the house and reset the failing fire-sprinkler system, the fire began to hiss and smoke in a heavy black cloud. once andy returned to jon and dano's side, fire extinguishers in hand, they saw the devil. in a deliberate and vivid manner the giant plume of smoke above the bunker became the face of the devil. at some intervals the face quickly changed to that of a young boy, it was mostly horrifying. "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH THE POWERS OF THE DARK SIDE? HAHA! YOU ARE SO FUCKING WRONG BITCHES!" and with a flash the entire plume of smoke was gone and the bunker extinguished. upon further inspection panndder was nowhere to be found. now that the the flying machine was complete andy left california, the contraption sputtering and buzzing its way toward the northern woods. with a look of concentrated purpose on his face, andy's mission was clear in his mind. on the ground jon and dano sized up the situation. "i don't know about that guy, but his plan is pretty sound." dano said solemnly. "we should get an empty truck, that way we won't have to empty it before we load it." "fuck that," said jon smiling, "we'll get a truck full of stereo equipment... a little cherry on top." the end What the critics are saying... |
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