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chapter one
the beginning once upon a time there was an innocent little kid by the name of patrick. he was such a good boy, eating his brussels sprouts and all, that his good ol' mom and pop bought him a shiny new evader stadium truck for his birthday. little patrick loved his new remote controlled toy so much, his desire to learn all there was to know about it inthralled him, and to the internet he went. 
now when he first got to the internet, he had to ask his imaginary brother how to work the computer. since patrick was an only child, and his parents very busy indeed, he was forced to play with his nanny, mrs. popkins, or his other "friends." patrick called his brother sherman who was a very smart boy indeed, although imaginary. after sherman helped patrick learn all about the computer, little patrick searched for hours, and even missed back to back episodes of full house on the WB. of course this alarmed mrs. popkins and she asked patrick if something was wrong, for he hadn't missed full house in YEARS! "oh no nanny," patrick replied, "i'm just looking for help with my evader." finally one afternoon patrick came home from school and grabbed a twinkie and mountain dew from the pantry, then promptly made a bee-line for the computer in sherman's bedroom (also known as the computer room). he sat down and searched "r/c" on google and came to a place called jeepinator's forum from hell on page seven. a sudden caffeine rush spun patrick's mind and sherman was suddenly standing next to him, "going to check out hell huh? won't mom be mad if she finds out?" patrick thought about it for a moment until suddenly an evil yet bewildered expression enterd his face, "who is this patrick? while i am at the computer you will call me panndder!" 
chapter two enter the pandy going to a place called hell was very risky business in patrick's house, but he felt a supernatural urge to explore. so at first he'd stick to polite posts about radio controlled cars, and said please and thank you like the good little shit he had been raised to be. the ffh duly ignored him. alas, as time in hell often does, it lead panndder down a difficult path, a path where he would be confronted by the serious questions in his young life. he didn't know it at the time, but in the background sherman watched while the shell of little patrick grew thinner and thinner, and soon panndder would discover the devil's greatest creation: rock n' roll. the need for attention was gripping panndder's neck, it was only a matter of time before he would be driven to give all ffh members his word of approval. but not yet. just as the sage like rc gurus told him it would, the evader finally broke and panndder realized that he had no interest in summoning little patrick to tinker away with little toy trucks anyway. you see panndder had important things to discuss on the forum from hell, there was no time for baby stuff, or exersize, or anything else for that matter. patrick's pop began to notice his son was spending an awful lot of time on the computer, too much time actually, so he began to think about alternative hobbies for his only child. that very same night patrick's father had a nightmare, the devil came to him and held out a large chrome electric guitar with an electric amp dragging behind it like a dragon's tail. the devil said to patrick's pop, "he will be a rock n' roll star, like his friend nirto, or you will die n00b!" the next day pops went out and bought patrick his first electric guitar. 
sherman was very happy to see this development, for he knew that music would help our god fearing hero dance with the devil. panndder was taking over, little patrick will soon be just a memory, a very small and quiet one. chapter three the devil went down to ffh a rather dark period was falling upon the ffh, for its most prominent poster, fursphere, was beginning to let his personal life interfere with his ffh life. in a classic paradox in the world of virtual communication, andy irving suddenly felt himself going insane, as if his online persona was trying to claw its way out from inside his mind. this insanity caused fursphere to constantly post from both perspectives of his being, therefore andy irving continued to post gingerly while fursphere ran a wild gambit of negatively charged post sprees. as time progressed, several ffh members began to react to fursphere in a very negative way, for a while fursphere was the target and secretly andy irving loved it in a sadistic sort of way! the internal paradox infuriated andy irving and he began to calculate his losses. being a bright guy andy came up with the perfect, although predictable solution: he needed a scape goat. one night andy irving awoke from a bad dream, he felt like there was a hand grasping his face ever more tightly. promptly he went to the computer feeling a lightness of thought, the notion of a paradox was gone and his vision was clear, his subject chosen. meanwhile panndder was growing up, the devil had guided him well so far. listening to led zeppelin he would type naughty words into the ffh, and he found a new game, which was a lot like playing the guitar, it was called playing fursphere like a bell, and he couldn't get enough of it. so with that the andy pandy saga begins. chapter four the nature of the beast "if they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, i think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something." -jack handy patrick's lessons started off slowly and for the most part sherman just paced around the room and bitched a lot. finally patrick spoke up and told sherman to shut the fuck up, which caused some serious trouble. patrick's own internal struggle was entering a thin point in his mind, he knew that the lord could save him if only he could break free from the devil. suddenly an intoxicating rush of bad language and images of large breasts flashed in front of his eyes; the words "yo muthafucka weeee" ripped at his ears, he instantly realized that he was in front of the computer and in his underwear. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" patrick screamed into the night, sherman's look of shock and disgust was suddenly burned into his mind as he passed out cold on the computer room floor. of course this alarmed patrick's parents, especially his mom who had never even heard such language before. it was a short trip to the hospital. when patrick's eyes opened he was not patrick at all, or even panndder for that matter, that was all gone. sherman sat back in his adjustable bed perfectly conscious of what had happened, he had won the great battle in patrick's mind, however pitiful it was. little patrick just kickin' back with the devil incognito, waiting to go home, to ffh, to find fursphere. chapter five first confrontation or the scape goat and mrs. flame from his bunker in the back yard andy had three computers set up with sixteen monitors, all on the ffh. the monitors were set to refresh at specific intervals as to monitor all ffh activity at all times. for the last couple months he had been sleeping down there in his grandfather's old military pup-tent and mummy bag. on a steady diet of coffee and cigarettes fursphere was on the scene in every way. 
meanwhile sherman was back online although now everyone called him either pat or pandy, depending on which world he was currently dwelling. he was on a mission, he had a lot of catching up to do. during panndder's original training he was very difficult to break, for the good lord was strong within him and he could only muster minor mischief, which was annoying even to himself. panndder became an emoticon whore, this planted the seed of ridicule yet was of the limp wrist and rather lame. sherman had finally put a stop to this however, it was time to cause some real trouble, the time bomb was ticking away. the ffh was not ready for what happened next. there was a blip on andy's pandy radar detection program and the race was on. andy, full of accusations, began declaring everyone had been taking lessons from pandy, and that they should be ashamed of themselves. fat jokes abound and pandy pulled the faux screen name card, andy couldn't resist, rolled his eyes and said, "your mom." the fuse was lit, the timer set... it was a painful ordeal for the ffh members, and the devil himself even went home after a while. chapter six denument "a good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "hear that?" you say. "that's dynamite, baby." -jack handy it quickly became obvious that although energetic, andy and pandy's rivalry was racing toward the dull side. this disturbed sherman greatly and caused him to pace around the control center in pandy's mind, grumbling to himself about better days. the no holds barred approach of the devil was failing, he was being absorbed by the ffh itself, like a fly to fly-paper there was nowhere to go. from the bunker andy felt as though he were winning by a grand margin. he was however feeling very tired, and his own imaginary brother began to come snooping around in the afternoon looking for him. finally andy caved and let his brother in past the electric fence and guard dogs, then he lowered the draw bridge over the pirhana pond and opened the trap door to the bunker. richard was not in a good mood, he quickly explained to andy that the whole fucking world was worried about him, and that michelle, his boss, was going to hire someone to replace him if he didn't return soon. andy seemed frightened for the first time, "ok," he said. "i have this problem on ffh..." later that very evening sherman was packing up patrick's gay porn collection and laughing to himself. "fursphere's going to love his christmas presents. hehe..." 
andy and richard had come up with a plan, instead of dealing with pandy on the ffh, they would take care of him in person. andy promptly called todd shreve and asked to borrow his custom built RCoIP (radio control over internet proticol) system, for they had a plan to combine silly-maxx with andy's RC helicopter, and make their presence known. once the technology was secure, andy and richard mounted several guns from andy's arsenal to their flying machine of death. next came the mounting of andy's gps system, which would feed the RCoIP receiver the coordinates needed to find pandy's house, all the way in minnesota. meanwhile sherman had sent out three boxes of illicit homosexual material to andy, his friends, family and loved ones. the guy at the post office even wrote his name down in the terrorist database at the department of homeland security. the day of flight came, and the machine that could only deliver destruction was ready to fly. they fired up the helicopter and launched it eastward; watching from a monitor in the bunker andy's final plan was coming together. after school pandy was in the middle of his routine, shitting all over the ffh while dreaming about super computers and flaming guitars. he hardly even noticed the buzzing sound coming from the sky in the distance, and even though it was winter, it could be heard from inside. mrs. popkins appeared at the door and asked pandy if he heard such a noise. he snapped back at her and said to leave him alone for once, and then he heard it. from the bunker andy could see what he thought was pandy's house, he could feel his stomach doing backflips, the excitement grew strongly within. the time came and helli-maxx swooped down and riddled the house with bullets, crashed through the large picture window in front of the house and broke. the camera on the front was one of the casualties, andy was blind, SHIT! panic insued in the bunker and andy began to smash shit, then suddenly he stopped... he could hear a voice in his head, it was the voice of todd shreve, "andy, use the emergency jeepinator return system and jeepinate that bitch!" ding, the buzzer went off and the red lights began flashing in the bunker, andy struggled to his console, which was smashed almost to bits, and hit the big red button on his helicopter radio. back in minnesota large electronic arms began working on heli-maxx from the RCoIP receiver, there was a soldering iron in one "hand" and a roll of duct tape in the other. they were working furiously. pandy ran past mrs. popkins, down the stairs and out the front door, just in time to watch heli-maxx crash through the neighbor's front window. rolling on the ground laughing pandy was suddenly kicked by the devil himself, the kick burned like fire in his ribs. "what?" sherman yelled. "you fool, the battle has just begun, you must THINK damn you, THINK!" and then the devil was gone, along with all of the snow in the yard. pandy ran into the neighbor's house unsure as to what he was going to do. heli-maxx was ready, and the jeepinator recovery system (JRS) was already back into place. a loud buzz could be heard as the motor started and heli-maxx began its roaring return to california. as it was racing off out of the living room pandy grabbed at the machine and caught hold, rising up into the cold minnesota air, laughing all the way. the end What the critics are saying... Nice, give the little attention starved fuck more attention. -jschwarts73 I've had a moment of clarity. Pandy is only bad if you make Pandy bad in your mind. -TheJangus What a bunch of crap. Entertaining, but crap. Fred.. you could have picked anything to write a story about and you picked panhead? wtf? -Psyire Fred, just when I think you can't get any LAMER. You go and do this. AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!!! -tardzillia Good stuff jangus, I am totally retarded when it comes to drawing on the computer. We make a pretty good team! -Fred Sambo That never happened. -panndder DUDE! Artsy people are always liberals! Fucken sweet FFH reflection on Andy's face. That is brilliant. -jeepinator That can't be the end. If it was, it would be gay. -Fursphere |
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